Sign Language.

Ah.

I do so solemnly swear, the next car I see with that yellow, "Baby on Board" sign stuck at the back I will CRUSH KILL AND DESTROY. Seriously. Follow the herd of mindless idiots who think those yellow signs are cute, if you must. But for crying out loud, I've seen twenty thousand different phrases you can buy. Some of them are actually amusing. SO WHY...

No wait, I know: it's the only phrase my LEHLARLOR-English country can understand. HUR HUR BABY ON BOARD SO KEWT WE BUY LAR.

I know what you're thinking, two people and small yappy-type dog. Perhaps well-meaning, new parents just want to tell everyone to be a little more careful, please?

Since I've started seeing the signs, which works out to, say, four months, I have yet to see one fucking baby in the car. Not. One. And some of them are driven by I R SO GLAM young darlings - no prizes for guessing who the Baby is. Look carefully and you can see the planets orbiting their heads.

If you drive, do your part to make the world a better place. The next time you see a car sporting BABY ON BOARD, carefully pull up next to them, tap your horn to get their attention and smile. They can't hear you of course so it's all got to be sign language.

- Point to the back of their car.

- Air-draw a square.

- Do that universal baby-cradling motion: palms turned upwards and placed on top of each other, held slightly below the rib cage. Rock from side to side.

- Do another bit of universal signing. Hold hands up to roughly shoulder level. Keeping palms flat and digits together, point each hand away from yourself to each side. Raise eyebrows and have mouth slightly agape. As retarded as it sounds, people everywhere understand this to mean, "Where?" .

Likely reactions from the other driver at this point include waving, smiling and miming eating a steak. Proceed to last universal gesture.

- Hold fist up to face, with the back of your hand facing the driver. Slowly and deliberately, extend middle finger.



...Happy New Year. Pull your ear.