The Brown Stuff.

We've all done it as a kid. Pursed our lips tightly together and forced air through them. Just for fun, sometimes. And we'd find it killingly funny to do it and then point at other tots and accuse them of farting. Denial is futile.

Go ahead, do it. Sort of slowly at first, and then pick up the tempo to an explosive finish. Good. Keep that sound firmly in mind.

I don't think I've told you three people and small yappy-type dog, but this goat is lactose-intolerant. I've always found the term mildly amusingly. Cannot tolerate lactose. Won't stand for the vile stuff. Evil things, lactoses. Sort of like how the KKK is Black-intolerant.

There're different degrees of lactose intolerance, of course. Some people just get mild stomach discomfort after two pints of milk. Some have acute pains after downing a glass.

As with all things me, I have to be spectacular, spectacular.

I never used to be lactose intolerant. The missus, similarly afflicted, would turn down offers of ice cream. It was great, because I could magnanimously offer to share some top notch stuff and then eat it all myself, anyway.

Then it happened. The first bout of explosive diarrhoea. And we all like to think our shit don't stink, but this was something else altogether. I couldn't lie, and the other brothers could not deny.

Many a clueless...hour-long interval was spent, arms akimbo in what became a porcelain torture chamber. What, you think I took you through those motions at the start for fun? Times like those made being a smoker a blessing. Eventually, I made the connection. The rich, creamy friend I once had was now so much white, fluffy intestinal death.

But like aging men with bits that don't work quite so well anymore, we go into denial. Glass of milk? Well...alright.

Then things actually move in the stomach. I liken it to being four months along, and feeling the baby stir for the first time. Except instead of an "Oh! Oh! Oh my god!", it's more of "Oh. Fuck."

And for the love of all things cute and fluffy, you don't want to let rip a fart just then. I refuse to tell you how I know.


Yes. Had milk this morning.