Pseudo-celebrity prelude.

And yes, the job begins to pay off.

There was a Walk-A-Jog today. Yes, another one. This was for the People's Children's Fund, and held at Bishan Park. I'd like to meet the first person who came up with fusing the organization of a mass walk and charity. Don't get me wrong, I think the cause is very noble. But do you see the connection?

It was organized by two Town Councils, and of course the Ministers for Parliament of each had to be there - including Minister Mentor Lee Kuan Yew!

I was a little hyped about it in the morning. In a few hours time, I would get to see the Man himself, in person. I have declared and been lambasted for my lack of interest in politics, but this was the Man. Forget that silly British man who tripped over us in 1819 - he just dug up the clay. Mr Lee was the potter.

...Or so the history books have me believe.

So, yes. I got to see him in person. Or rather, bits of him. From the moment he stepped off the car, he was mobbed. Singapore really loves him, it seems. I found it very amusing how the people I spoke to all referred to him as "EmmEmm". It's like he's lost his name. Mr Lee will do fine, thank you very much. EmmEmm indeed.

They also pronounce the Minster for the Environment's name, "Yakult". I don't know for sure, but is that how you pronounce something spelled "Yaacob"? It was cute the way one official said, "Yes, then Yakult will arrive... . Uh, sorry, I meant, Dr Yakult." I think she seriously was worried I'd go over and tell him.

I also had the most spectacular of my patented Fall-Flat jokes today. I was introduced to a rather prominent person.


PP: "...and yes, they had the place prepared a few days ago by pouring sand onto the grass to prevent it from becoming muddy."

Me: "Indeed? That's quite interesting! Do you know how much sand was involved, sir?"

PP: "No, you'll have to ask them about that. Why, though?"

Me: "Well I just thought it would be a good thing to say, you know. 'And they prepared the grounds by pouring twenty thousand tonnes of sand into it!' ."

PP: "Ha. Ha. Ha. I don't think they'll want you to say that."


He literally said "Ha. Ha. Ha." . It was possibly the most deprecating laughter I've ever heard. The irony is, I really did think it was a good idea to talk about the preparation of that field. Shows they thought about and put effort into it, you see.

I think he got where he was by laughing at his potential competition for promotion. That could stop a randy elephant dead in its tracks. Respect.

During the actual walk, the phrase cheebye Singaporeans, came to mind. Mostly the aunties, really. Repeatedly, I was shoved, jostled and smacked about while trying to take a good picture. They'd just barge into, and past you.

I don't get it. It's happened before, my being stuck in a huge packed crowd. And the pieces of shit who push, shove and poke you in the buttox with a sharp stick are always aunties. Do they all hit some kind of magic age where their brain just snaps and goes, "Right. I'm pushing 50 with a voice like nails on chalkboard, and there's no way I could look good if I tried. Fuck this - It's my way or the highway."

And then they put on the motorcycle helmets, get on their Harleys, light cigars and ride off.

Just unbelievably self-centred, some of them. There I was, being held back at arm's length by security people. I stand on my toes, hold my breath and focus the lens, waiting for a good moment to snap. It's coming. It's coming. IT'S...

-jab-

...

-jabjab pat arm-

I turn back to see if it was Mr Ancob wanting my attention for something important.

"eH boy your arm ah, can eksew me not?!!11," says the auntie whose face I turn into, pushing a camera into my face.

I gave her a look that hopefully conveyed the exact number of painful things she could do to herself before I ekskewed her and got back to trying to do my job, muttering under my breath.


And, yes, the pseudo-celebrities! I was an arm's length from Kelly Poon and Kelvin, the Project Superstar winners! Not really into these "Idol" spinoff winners in general. I am unable to continue eating my food if I happen to see Sylvester from the last one. He just rubs me the wrong way for some reason.

But Kelly very pretty.

And Kelvin has my respect and admiration. I couldn't imagine a life blind. He wins a singing competition in front of 8, 000 people. My metaphorical hat off to you, Kelvin.

I could have gotten a picture taken with them, yes. As many aunties did. But I just figured: if I start now, where's it going to stop? Screw it.

So that's a brief wrap of the day. When the film gets developed I'll try to wrangle and get it up, specially for you three people and small yappy-type dog who read this. Because I Care.

Inside joke, sorry.

I will conclude by saying I quite possibly have all my priorities in the wrong place. I go to an event like that, with a proper pass and everything. I am to take pictures, and write it up later. Mr Lee Kuan Yew, the man who helped build Singapore, is there. I am close enough to him to make out the leaf stuck in the back of his head. And the one thing that sticks out in my mind is...

...Dr Lily Neo very pretty, lah.

"Wider, please."

The human mind is capable of great things. Love. Friendship. Loyalty. Compassion.

Then there's dentists.

We've all had our share of misguided childhood ambitions -

--
Kindergarten teacher: "So Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Tommy: "A Fireman so I can help save people and put out fires!"

Kindergarten teacher: "Very good. Jane?"

Jane: "A policewoman so I can catch the bad guys and lock them up forever!"

Kindergarten teacher: "Doesn'treallyworklikethatiftheyhaveagoodlawyerbut Very good! Tessa?"

Tessa: "A reporter so I can talk to people and write their stories!"

Kindergarten teacher: "Wow, that's nice! And you, Mark?"

Mark: "I wanna be a dentist so I can earn lots of money by causing people immense pain and trauma hyukhyuksnort!"

Kindergarten teacher: "...wtf."
--

It's not like, say, photographers. With photography you can discover you have an eye for taking nice pictures, work at getting better and go professional. Dentistry is something you decide on right off the bat. Well I suppose you can discover you have a good talent for causing people pain and enjoying it. That, or discover you really, really like teeth. Not a very healthy thing, either way.

And they lie. They do. It's a bit sweeping to say they all do, but in my experience, yes. The words constantly on the tip of their tongue are "root canal". Because it's one of the more expensive and painful options.

--
Patient: "I've got this..."

Dentist: "Root canal."

Patient: "...bit of a gum bleed. Are you sure that's necessary?"

Dentist: "Oh, yes. Never know what's causing those things. Could be very serious, yes. Better have a root canal just to be safe."

Patient: "Well, I suppose you know better. Alright, then. I've also got..."

Dentist: "Sounds like another root canal, that is."

Patient: "...slight runny nose do you think it will affect the dril..what?"

Dentist: "Oh, nothing. I was clearing my throat."
--

Follow one around long enough and you'll see him at McDonald's ordering, "A Big Mac with extra root ca...uh, lettuce, I mean."

Having a spot of trouble with my wisdom tooth growing out, I went to the dentist about a year ago. It was growing at a very bad angle, she said. What was absolutely necessary was to have an operation where they would cut my gum to pieces, smash up that tooth and extract it. And because I had this weird tooth structure in general, they would need to...

I forget the details. She was very persuasive though, and I figured saving up that close to two thousand dollars for the operation was imperative. It was a very fortunate thing that Miss Procrastination and I have a dirty little affair going on. The damned tooth grew out fine.

Of course, she quite probably was a kind, benevolent dentist who saw a problem that has even now yet to happen, and was acting in my best interests. Five years down the road, that impudent tooth may have me drinking my meals in immense pain.

"Medium-rare steak. I know it's an unusual request, but once you're done cooking it, could you be so kind as to toss the lot in the blender on 'Liquify' for three minutes before serving? Thank you very much."

But just imagine the things she wanted to do to my mouth! With me looking right up at her, adding my nail marks to the twenty thousand others by the side of the chair. And I just know she'll keep giving me that disapproving look and say,

"Wider, please."