"Wider, please."

The human mind is capable of great things. Love. Friendship. Loyalty. Compassion.

Then there's dentists.

We've all had our share of misguided childhood ambitions -

--
Kindergarten teacher: "So Tommy, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Tommy: "A Fireman so I can help save people and put out fires!"

Kindergarten teacher: "Very good. Jane?"

Jane: "A policewoman so I can catch the bad guys and lock them up forever!"

Kindergarten teacher: "Doesn'treallyworklikethatiftheyhaveagoodlawyerbut Very good! Tessa?"

Tessa: "A reporter so I can talk to people and write their stories!"

Kindergarten teacher: "Wow, that's nice! And you, Mark?"

Mark: "I wanna be a dentist so I can earn lots of money by causing people immense pain and trauma hyukhyuksnort!"

Kindergarten teacher: "...wtf."
--

It's not like, say, photographers. With photography you can discover you have an eye for taking nice pictures, work at getting better and go professional. Dentistry is something you decide on right off the bat. Well I suppose you can discover you have a good talent for causing people pain and enjoying it. That, or discover you really, really like teeth. Not a very healthy thing, either way.

And they lie. They do. It's a bit sweeping to say they all do, but in my experience, yes. The words constantly on the tip of their tongue are "root canal". Because it's one of the more expensive and painful options.

--
Patient: "I've got this..."

Dentist: "Root canal."

Patient: "...bit of a gum bleed. Are you sure that's necessary?"

Dentist: "Oh, yes. Never know what's causing those things. Could be very serious, yes. Better have a root canal just to be safe."

Patient: "Well, I suppose you know better. Alright, then. I've also got..."

Dentist: "Sounds like another root canal, that is."

Patient: "...slight runny nose do you think it will affect the dril..what?"

Dentist: "Oh, nothing. I was clearing my throat."
--

Follow one around long enough and you'll see him at McDonald's ordering, "A Big Mac with extra root ca...uh, lettuce, I mean."

Having a spot of trouble with my wisdom tooth growing out, I went to the dentist about a year ago. It was growing at a very bad angle, she said. What was absolutely necessary was to have an operation where they would cut my gum to pieces, smash up that tooth and extract it. And because I had this weird tooth structure in general, they would need to...

I forget the details. She was very persuasive though, and I figured saving up that close to two thousand dollars for the operation was imperative. It was a very fortunate thing that Miss Procrastination and I have a dirty little affair going on. The damned tooth grew out fine.

Of course, she quite probably was a kind, benevolent dentist who saw a problem that has even now yet to happen, and was acting in my best interests. Five years down the road, that impudent tooth may have me drinking my meals in immense pain.

"Medium-rare steak. I know it's an unusual request, but once you're done cooking it, could you be so kind as to toss the lot in the blender on 'Liquify' for three minutes before serving? Thank you very much."

But just imagine the things she wanted to do to my mouth! With me looking right up at her, adding my nail marks to the twenty thousand others by the side of the chair. And I just know she'll keep giving me that disapproving look and say,

"Wider, please."