Unexpectedly cute.

You know when dogs, especially those with long legs, take up their super exaggerated poop stance?

And then when they're done, they flex their assholes and do the dippy butt thing, to make sure as much poop comes off as possible?

Super cute lah.

Bonus if they do the doggy scoot after that. You can't watch a dog scoot without smiling.

Teehee.

Heng got no one to look.

I just got so excites over a good turn in Hearthstone that I taunted the screen and burst into a little silly dance.

Ah, these fleeting good times.

Silver screen security.

Good old IMDB.com. It's really weird that, of all places, IMDB.com takes their account security so srsly. Good on them. They want to make sure you really arewho you say you are, and that you reeeally want to find out stuff about movies. IMDB.com. Best com for looking up anything about movies. BUT HOR.

Who. The. Fuck. Is. Interested in that shit. Gods. Granted, there are some pretty dedicated stalkers out there.  I made an account with IMDB to use to look up stuff on my phone like, you know, normal people who want to find out some trivia. Because that's a thing, all right? I got a bit of spam from them. Ok, click to unsubscribe from these kinds of emails. But one knows the real setting is in email preferences in account settings. So I try to log on IMDB.com. You could almost hear them say So, you want to log on? CHARRENGE ACCEPTED.

I tried with wrong email at first. Thank fuck it was willing to tell me got no such account, bluff who? Got the right email. Password. Ugh. I don't give a shit about this damned account so it must be the usual generic. And that was when it all went to shit. Password, they dowan tell you wrong or not. But first, enter this nice, long sequence of numbers and letters in we're showing you in an image. With some sort of horror movie filter to make the characters nice and illegible.

That's to even try again, after the first time you try to log in and get your password wrong. Really, the first time? Where's the mercy, eh? And of course you're not going to get the characters correct the first time. No, wrong. Try again. Again lah. Again. "We do have all day, but so slow sia some people. Tsk." One almost hears the fucking service say.

This is how screens get smashed. The IMDB guys must own huge stocks in all the display manufacturers. "Eh, we're not making enough money to afford our 17th yacht. Each. Set that Captcha image to Extra Cheebye. Make them think they see the image of Jesus in it."

 But they're not without mercy. Or they have to legally provide alternatives, or something. So there was an option for if I WAS HAVING TROUBLE GUESSING WHAT CHARACTER THESE SMUDGES ARE: to hear a string of numbers, instead.

Of course, I'd left the volume on too loud from last night. "PRIEST ENTER THESE NUMBERS"  boomed across the neighbourhood. But do they tell you how many fuck shit numbers to expect? No, because fuck me. The numbers were voiced. Both male and female ones, strained through some kind of voice filter set on EXTRA ROBO. Then hor, then: when they read the numbers, there are background noises. Trains, whooshes, that kind of thing. Just so it's more secure...sounding? It took me a few tries to log in. And then there they were indeed, the settings (GOT MORE THAN ONE, SAYING THINGS THAT MEAN THE SAME THING) to send me email if someone in a movie that came out in the last five years lost or gained weight. Or stubbed a toe. I had never clicked on check boxes so hard in my life. Like, I was really trying to perforate the screen by willpower and finger force.

So. Watched any good movies lately? Maybe that latest remake, with the horses, and where the younger actor works with the older one? There's a small tribute scene at roughly 40 minutes to the original movie. Yeah, he cuts his nipple off and flicks it at the bad guy just to piss him off. Nipple stuck on the guy's forehead, hah!

 Lights, camera, and let the good times roll. Securely.

The mystery of cai png pricing.

This will be short.

This, for $5.50. Meh.

For the uninitiated, never order a dish that looks like it came from the sea. "OK TENTY DOLLAR THANK YOU. YES, TENTY.'

Not a risk taker, for now.

I didn't manage to make a traffic light crossing that had just turned. From the other side, I watched 22 seconds count down on the green man. There was more than a decent chance I would fall, crumple and fold once more. It was not a happy feeling.

So where's my official disabled tag already. My only alternative is to paint myself like a zebra crossing, and that won't buy me much additional time, either.

A lot of hot air.

Ding. I think air fryers are key to hangouts. A Hindi movie sesh (I have got to stop using that word) runs just right for a string of eats, fresh fried. Ding. Samosas, and any kind of instant food you can imagine. 

Ding. Nuggets. Fish fingers. Ding. Potato wedges, fresh fried and seasoned to wow. Hopefully, they're just a little undercooked in the centres. Lovely. Ding. Whatever meat you wish. The good stuff, no sotong balls, though those are good too. Some preparation with marinade and such, but well worth it. I've made steak, decent by even my standards. Ding. You can ding-bake if you want to. Not something I've tried, but I've seen pictures of good results. Not for sweets, usuall

Looks like an the mother of all portable chargers, cooks like a charm. You need an air fryer in your life. The original black Phillips one, please. Anything else wouldn't match you kitchen. No, really.

A good urhur.

I just had a good, cathartic cry, watching one of the epic dance scenes from Happy New Year (that title, though), a Hindi movie. Just could not stop, the happiness was so palpable. Just... Wow. It's a great show on its own, too. 11/10 Been a long time since I really enjoyed myself like that. Cheers, India.

Netflix it naooooo.

WHAT IS RUFF?!

I think there will come a day when I can see a couple in love and showing it, without feeling some degree of melancholy. It'll be ok. I'll adopt an elderly chihuahua, and we'll both do the huahua tremble while giving each other the, "Can you believe this shit?" look.

Riiiicolaaaa~

Ants got into the Ricola jar. Didn't do much for the flavour, but my gods you could hear them yodelling for miles.

Going quite mad, doctor.

Fortuitously, I discovered today that I had quite been losing my mind. The detailed, vivid memories I had. Just simply untrue. Never happened. I am uncertain as to what to make of this. It is not good news. What does it bode, though? Sanity. What a scam.

Please let it be the chicken.

Gods my mum's a terrible cook. As tiny an appetite as I have, I'm already planning to eat something after dinner at her place later. Just to get the taste out of my mouth. Oh, um. Happy new year. Update: She made the chicken. All is well.

Sit leh.

The Reserved Seating thing on trains works, but really awkwardly. It's got to the stage where people chiong for anything BUT the reserved seats, then, when only those are left, would rather stand. They pretend those seats don't exist. You can see them instinctively twitch towards the empty reserveds, but then no, for shame... . 

"THERE IS NO SEAT THERE FOR YOU, ABLE-BODIED SCUM." Their internal dialogue is quite apparent. Srsly. If I'm in a seat that's not reserved, and an old, pregnant, injured lady wobbles up to me carrying another child, I still might offer her my seat. It's nice to have rules about some things, but when you have rules about being nice, that's very much a beatings will continue until morale improves kind of situation. And this Reserved Seating thing isn't even a rule. I suspect a lot think it is, though. Yes, I said I  might offer it.

Don't commit shop theft. Rolls off the tongue, hor?

Ok, look, the life-sized cardboard police dude with the catchy slogan, "Don't commit shop theft," can still excuse. Maybe effective. People with poor eyesight like me will think is real policeman. But there's just no forgiving the seventeen flavours of retard cringe they put in their video. Seriously, police PR all Down's or what. And then it turns out they well might be, because the government is an equal opportunity employer.

And of course I'm the asshole for cringing. There's just no winning. LET'S DANCERIZE THE CRIME AWAY. 

DON'T COMMIT AH.

Kang tao.

Bus 67, upon hitting the stop near us, goes on for at least another seventy stops. Seventy! That's more tees than one bus should take. Did the bus route planner have a deathly fear of incontinence? And, seventy stops later, it's still nowhere near its terminal, which is Choa Chu Kang. Choa Chu Kang. What a shithole. Of all the Kangs, fuck this one in particular.

Let me sleep long time, priest.

There is some irony in that the most adult thing I've come to do is to account for dawdle time. Five minute shower? Nooo, just short of fifteen. Generous estimate for poo poo time. And Jesus, I've come out to the balcony to smoke one... Well, three cigarettes... And that's half an hour. And now I'm late, and everything is shitty. Waking up at 5am to get from Bedok to Yew Tee at 8.30am seems so reasonable now. Never mind that wife was playing Overwatch and swearing at the screen till 1.30am. "Mr Lim, we've discovered why you can't see shit. It's because you don't sleep enough. You just need to catch up on a sleep debt of five years and you'll be right as rain. However right that tends to be. Ok thank you, $8,000 please." Some people are self-motivating. I'm self-depressing, aren't I?

Bling bling.

*GENEVA - A pear-shaped pink diamond sold for 18.127 million Swiss francs (S$25.7 million) on Tuesday to an Asian collector bidding by telephone at an auction marked by "healthy prices", Christie's said. The top lot at its semi-annual Geneva sale, the stone weighs 9.14 carats and is graded fancy vivid pink, the highest possible colour grading.* With my first girlfriend, I asked her repeatedly if she was sure she wanted to get together with me. Nothing wrong at all with her family's money. Mine, on the other hand. "I am poor. I don't know if I can look after you. Look, I only have one pair of shoes." She didn't mind and it was all very romantic at the time but later on she cheated on me with her intern. Not that important. I have a few more actual pairs of shoes now, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to shake that feeling of only having one. We probably won't starve, but the expenses just keep climbing. And then you read that some asshole has bought a rock for some $26 million. Don't those things have no resale value? Or is it like Pokemon - no one wants your used Rattata, but put a Lapras up and people fall over themselves to offer you money. Well, McJinglepants can choke on his rock. I'm ok with one pair of shoes. They're comfortable, and these days, a pair of slippers often walks beside me.

Host you so hard. Why.

Tired of your polite guests turning down your offers of snacks and beverages? Try selling them to them. Host: "Some chips? A beer?"

Guest: "No, thanks, I..."

Host: "Only a dollar." Guest: "What?"

Host: "Chips are only a dollar. Beer is three dollars each. Come on man, times have been bad, the dog's been sick...these are reasonable prices. Help a brother out man."

Guest: "O..k. One beer. And chips, I suppose."

Host: "Oh, nooow maybe you want the chips too. Fine. Sit. Asshole."

Enforced refreshments. And you get to recoup what you spent on groceries. What's there to lose except maybe friends?

...but don't sell water lah. That one really too cheebye.

Chill only.

Being an adult means being able to make decisions of extravagance. Like leaving the fridge door open while you fill the water jug so it's more convenient. Also, because utilities included. Next time our place ah, the fridge door - five second rule.

Trees! Everywhere! Be proud!

How to plant a tree, grassroots version: - Take solo, group and family pictures holding the spade and watering can. - Chop the soil that had been piled up around the tree for a minute. Empty watering can into what is already mud. -Take more pictures of yourselves. Why not. You just planted a whole tree. You should be proud. If you follow these instructions, ten minutes later, a Bangala will sprout from the soil and actually plant the tree properly.

409 is where it's at.

Formula 409 is an amazing cleaner, even better than Kao MagiClean. No residue. It is also, strangely, only available in atas supermarkets. Can't make the trip? Here's your shitty Clorox Cleansnothing. Now, they seem to know they have good stuff on their hands. They've had the Glass cleaning version for a while now, and now there's the stone and wood version.

I wanted two of the usual, general purpose stuff. Wife wanted one and one Glass. I don't understand.

1. We don't have very much cleanable glass. It's practically down to the one pane in the bathroom. We have many General Surfaces in the house. Just look at all these damned fine Generals.

2. I'm the one who does the bulk of the cleaning. It's like her going to buy pads and me saying she should use something different.

3. General can clean glass for sure. In the Venn diagram of surfaces... Nevermind. Can glass cleaner clean general? Not sure. Maybe. Do you really want to feel retarded each time you spray the glass cleaner on wood. On stone. On marble, formica or dog?

I think that's probably how I'm going to have to use up the glass cleaner. A daily spray and wipe down of the dogs.