Having a dog come into your life in adulthood is different from growing up with one as a small child. As an adult, you have hopes, expectations, dreams. Ah, the day I can throw a stick and have this half-retarded demon dog from hell bring it back without eating most of it on the way. The day I can have him off the leash on a walk without him dashing off to hump the nearest old lady. As a kid, all you know is - drooly thing. Does not talk. Plays. AWESOME.
You also make different observations as an adult. A child with a dog may simply observe that yes, it is indeed a dog. But like any other adult, I've come to the conclusion that having a dog is much the same as having a nice pair of breasts.
Personal Similarities
Admittedly, I have very few clues about what women do with their breasts in private. This is all based on conjecture, and probably wrong.
Worry
Is he big enough? Small enough? Are there strange epidermal changes? Feel him up a bit...does he feel normal? Is he the correct shape? These are things you worry about, with both dogs and breasts. Admittedly, the last one is less generic. Your dog may not change shape dramatically overnight – but if you wake up with boobs shaped like guitars, you have problems. And then you remember, "Ah, it was because he insisted on using the novelty ice-cube trays last night." Relief.
Sleep
Going to bed with them, also quite the same. I start off comfortably, spooning my dog. And then I wake up in the middle of the night and there's this compact, furry lump in my stomach and I freak out for a bit. And then again, when I kick something that shouldn't be there, and it's the dog, looking all injured. Like breasts, they migrate southwards while you sleep, and spring back into place with a weird expression when you wake up. Or so I've been told.
Sex
Dogs mirror breasts sexually. At least, this one does. Just as men's bits respond towards breasts, my dog responds towards my bits. I see your WTF face. No, it's not what you're thinking. When I step out of the shower, he stares. He doesn't like to make eye contact, but confronted with bits, he stares like he's afraid they'll vanish if he takes his eyes off them. Which, since I'm Chinese, might actually happen. Especially after a cold shower. And then he sighs and trots off.
Me
There may be no bigger blow to the male self-esteem than a dog sighing at your penis. I chase after him and start making jokes about being neutered, and then he does Pathetic Face on me. Whether it's me against dog or me against breasts, I never win.
Social Similarities
Like dogs, breasts are brought out to meet the public ever so often. You'll find reactions from the general public to be similar, with both.
Women
In Singapore, women do not tend to deal well with dogs or nice breasts. It's always the ones who only start looking good after five jugs of beer. One such incident was with a girl who seemed to have the intelligence of a circus tent. Perhaps coincidentally, she also looked like one. If I were to reenact the scene with you, here is what you would do:
1. Spot dog that is approximately 1/15 of your size. FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA. Start edging along like you walk a lonely road, on the boulevard of broken dreams. Do not take your eyes off the dog. He might start tap-dancing, and you wouldn't want to miss that.
2. Uh huh. Uh huh. It's coming closer. LEAP onto the grass. Freeze again.
3. As the dog and its person walk past you, lift up the leg nearest them so there is less area for vicious predator beast to target. Close your eyes and start flailing wildly in the general direction of your ankles while making strangled noises, as if you were being sexually assaulted by a smurf. No, it doesn't matter if either the dog or person show the slightest bit of interest in you. YOU MUST DEFEND YOURSELF!!!11
4. Carry on with your sad, sad life, feeling unloved.
The women who want to play, or even smile in passing at my dog are always the sweet, articulate ones. Run a chopstick over them repeatedly and you would get candy floss. And they usually tell me they have, or had a dog. It seems only women with dogs take well to dogs. Just as it seems only women with nice breasts can take to someone else with nice breasts. Otherwise, it's this mixture of envy and fear. I imagine the have-nots would bitch about both in exactly the same way.
"Aiyoh, how can expose us to that one like that? Take out so publicly. Very dangerous, you know."
Men
Male reactions to dogs are more universal. After all, we do react the same way to breasts across the world.
When encountering either dogs or nice breasts, asshole men may whistle or coo. "Oh yeah, I know all about those, come on, give me some." And then they're all taken aback when my dog shoves himself in their face. Learn, people. If you cootchie a dog, it's likely to shove himself in your face. Don't give me dirty looks after that. Also, if you cootchie breasts, it is unlikely they will get shoved in your face. In both cases, please stop doing it.
Women always at least make a show of askance before playing with my dog. Just as they do with breasts, men just, "COTTCHIE COOOTCHIE COO. OOH GA GA. OOOH LA. Ok, I'm done. Your problem now." Or worse, they'll give me advice on how to look after him. Insulting in the same way as when they flip to a breast enhancement ad in the papers and leave it meaningfully on the table.
Also, a man was the only one to ask how much my dog cost. "He looks very expensive." Perhaps not the same level of assholery as when posed to a woman with nice breasts, but I found it insulting. And indicative of national psyche. "Oh, very nice. How much?" With some things, you don't do that.
Overall, it's just galling, how many men want to assert themselves and then go, "OH WTF ITS EATING MAI FASE." And you have to prevent the face-eating, too. Or you'll be a bad dog owner. Bad. Government fine you.
A group of uncles at a coffeeshop had a field day clucking and cooing at my dog while I was trying to eat. And they had with them a budgie, who seemed to have had its wings clipped. "Aha look my bird see it make noise at you hahaha you want you want but you cannot has hahaha." I had such fun eating, having to pull my dog back every...second.
It was very tempting to release him. I know for sure he can jump that high, very quickly. And that there's nothing wrong with his teeth. Bye bye budgie, hello savings on next dog meal.
Conclusion
Fine, so they're not exactly the same. But it's curious how both dogs and breasts can be gauges of people. People who treat dogs properly are less likely to be serial killers. Or something.
For me at least, their absolute common ground lies in both being attractive and admirable from afar. Then, up close in your face, they become fascinating, and a lot more fun.
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