You have no idea what I'm going to talk about, do you.
But yes, you might have noticed, and in fact experienced this "portable music player" technology that is sweeping the world. They play a file format known as "MP3" you see, and...
I kid, I kid.
This is about music players, though. Specifically, mine. Funny, how we lose our sense of wonder, growing up. Back when "Hi-Fi" was still in use, I, small fat kid, had a walkman given to me. It played cassettes, and it was wonderful. All this sound coming through this...box I hold in my hand? And up these tubes into small, nipple-like objects so only I can hear it? Wow.
In secondary school, I permanently borrowed a discman from a friend who had too much money and goodwill for his own uh, good. And that was nice. It was by Technics, and the little fucker ate two AA batteries a day. Srs bznz. But it was still nice. That was, of course, back in the days when Oasis was awesome to you. "I have no idea what they're talking about, but it's so awesome, right?"
And then, long hiatus. Until a dear friend got me a present. I still remember where I got it, and unwrapping it. And it was great. This is, however, the time when she finds out it's been long dead and I've just never had the heart to tell her. Sorry love. The cute orange fucker just refused to turn on one day.
I was quite used to music on my walks by then, so I permanently borrowed another one from a...well, then-time good friend. No, he doesn't have too much money, and actually still owes me more than a thousand. It was his sister's. It was made in China, ran on AAA batteries and sturdy as a German mother. It also happened to have the memory of a German mother. 256MB, no you fuck off.
So that went by. And upon the recent breakup, we were all, "Must not be fat fuck anymore. Resume walks. Drink less." Seeing how our good friend Rostov waves from over there, you can see that's gone to shit.
But you didn't come all this way to hear me emo. All this way...across the internet. Which is instant, in most places. Except certain parts of Russia, where internet access only exists as a lurid fisherman's fantasy.
Well. That was a long introduction. I apologise for liking the sound of my own voice too much. And for wantonly jumping into the royal plural.
No, not really.
Anyway, on day of resolve, I bought this.
Looks nice, hor? No. I won't even get into that I had to buy it from clueless old-man shop assistant, who was nice enough, but there's only so much of, "Yah that one very good," you can take. It was the same reply no matter what I pointed to. Including the decorative plastic plant.
Comes with a clip, you see. But you only get to use the clip if you put it into godawful condom-type cover. The clip slips into a slot on the cover. I say slips into. What I mean is you need tweezers, pliers and the dexterity of an autistic chimpanzee to get the fucking clip into the slot. But "slips" was shorter.
So now it looks like shit. But it clips onto your back pocket, and because it's so light, you don't feel it. It weighs...
You don't need to know how much it weighs. Seriously. I could give a shit about much it weighs, but I won't. Because it's light. Product reviews that tell you what anything below a hundred grams weigh piss me off. If I can't feel it, please feel free to talk about other things I might actually give a shit about.
Ok, ok, it weighs as much as the third leftside teat of a milked cow.
See what I mean?
It holds 2GB, which works out to a good bit of all I have, anyway. Old man at this point says, "Yah, yah, this one got...two. That one only got one. This one good."
It was a nice morning. I let him live. Well, that and it was the only shop selling music players in Holland Village, far as I could tell.
Comes with earphones, USB Cable for data transfer and charging. Pleasant. No, no sarcastic. Quite pleasant. Clip, fondle power-on nipple, go. With the rubber cover on, it helps develop your nipple-fondling skillz, because unless you PRESS DOWN AND DO NOT SHIFT THUMB A NANOMETRE TO THE SIDE, it won't turn on.
It has a built-in equalizer and such. Which you could give a shit about, but won't. And a built-in speaker, in case you ever feel like roleplaying Mats At a Void Deck.
Otherwise, it works fine. But you need to choose your songs very, very carefully. Because it's easier, and faster to find a smurf to fellate than it is to find a specific song on this thing. I suppose the somewhat nice thing is that the forward button can be found by touch quite easily. The somewhat not nice thing is seeing a guy walking along, furiously fumbling with his buttox.
It cost less than a hundred. But if you've made it this far, you're probably like me and spend money when you need to, only occasionally despairing about your bank account.
Is it worth the money? If you pick your playlist right, yes. It really is quite small and light. Men, if you can carry testicles without feeling a strain, it's about the same. I guess it just didn't work out at the presentation. "Creative Zen. It's like a testicle." Women...you're on your own.
What, were you expecting yet another emo post? Not happening.
Now excuse me while I go stare at pictures of her and cry.
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