Dong dong dong qiang.

Dong, dong dong qiang.
Dong, dong dong qiang.
Dong, dong dong qiang dong qiang dong qiang.

It's part of a Chinese New Year song. No, they are not Chinese words. Yes, we have songs where we make drum and cymbal noises.

I'm not late either. People in some parts of China are still celebrating the holiday that is Chinese New Year, I'll have you know. In Singapore, we get two days to their two weeks.

I've never been particularly fond of the holiday. Mistake me not, I'm quite happy being Chinese, certain genetic endowments aside. I'm not one to argue with an extra few hundred dollars in red packet money. And if it gets me off work, I'd celebrate anything that doesn't involve having lice flung onto oneself. But the rest of it is just...

I get ahead of myself, I do. To make a proper start of it, perhaps I should explain why we celebrate Chinese New Year. Most of the rest of the world is quite happy to call the first of January New Year's day and do their partying and drunken debauchery then. Why must we Chinese be so different?

Because we outnumber the rest of you, so we'll do what we like, yeah?

Well fine, it's not like that. It's a rich cultural festival celebrating the arrival of Spring and new life after a harsh cold winter. The fact that we make such a big deal of it in tropical Singapore really is because we outnumber everyone else, though.

Like other major holidays such as Christmas and...well, Christmas, it's not something you're allowed to forget. Two weeks after Christmas Day itself, enterprising and economic shopping mall decorators rip the beard off their pre-fab, fuck-off huge Santa. They then paint him yellow, turn his eyes up slightly, stick a respectable Chinese beard on him and swap the hats. Voila! The God of Fortune, all ready to Usher in the New Year. This actually happened, mind.

That is but the slightest scratch on the holiday. We also have a Chinese Zodiac, with sensible avatars like the Dog (this year), Rat, Ox and Badger. There are twelve animals in all and each lasts a year. None of that month-to-month bother for us. Also, instead of playing connect-the-dots with the stars while drunk, our horoscopes were decided by having a Heavenly Race. The animals have some sort of hierarchy according to the position they finished up. In a race that also included the Tiger and the Dragon, the Rat finished first because the little bastard sat on the head of first runner-up Ox and leapt forward just before Mr Moo broke the tape.

Ok, maybe no Badger. Everything else is true, though. And offers insights into the collective Chinese mind better left unsaid.

There's the Elements of Wood, Air, Gold and such too, so people born twelve years apart will be the same horoscope with a different element. Wood Dog, Fire Dog, Bad Dog and such. But we're not concerned with those. It's the animals that get me. Depending on which animal's turn it is, you'll find the bastard EVERYWHERE. Dog year. Dog statues. Dog toys. Cartoon dogs in advertisements try to sell you vacuum cleaners. One that ran for days in the Straits Times asked everyone to go down to such and such a place to WAG IN THE NEW YEAR.

I decided the odds were too low on doe-eyed, pert-bottomed young nubile women taking up the offer and politely declined.

Shops transform; particularly supermarkets. About the time they get the left eye slanted on the ex-Santa, they ALL start playing Chinese New Year music. Don't worry if you don't know the words - voice DONG and CHIANG randomly to the rhythm and nobody will notice. This mind-numbing aural atrocity is a primitive form of mind-control, I suspect. It's like the Chinese population suddenly sits up and blinks simultaneously. As one we decide, fuck all the rest. The only nutrition we'll ever need from now is mandarin oranges, preserved fruit, assorted crackers, pineapple tarts and barbecued pork sweetmeats (bak kwa to you, my Chinese brethren). Hey, and while we're at it, those cans of abalone are looking pretty good.

The larger supermarkets sometimes thoughtfully reserve an entire aisle labelled "Food and stuff for non-Chinese people. Happy Chinese New Year!!!"

After getting in your face for two months or so, the holiday finally has the decency to arrive, towards the end of January. Work on your dongs and qiangs till the next I get some time to stroke the keyboard.