Not a risk taker, for now.

I didn't manage to make a traffic light crossing that had just turned. From the other side, I watched 22 seconds count down on the green man. There was more than a decent chance I would fall, crumple and fold once more. It was not a happy feeling.

So where's my official disabled tag already. My only alternative is to paint myself like a zebra crossing, and that won't buy me much additional time, either.

A lot of hot air.

Ding. I think air fryers are key to hangouts. A Hindi movie sesh (I have got to stop using that word) runs just right for a string of eats, fresh fried. Ding. Samosas, and any kind of instant food you can imagine. 

Ding. Nuggets. Fish fingers. Ding. Potato wedges, fresh fried and seasoned to wow. Hopefully, they're just a little undercooked in the centres. Lovely. Ding. Whatever meat you wish. The good stuff, no sotong balls, though those are good too. Some preparation with marinade and such, but well worth it. I've made steak, decent by even my standards. Ding. You can ding-bake if you want to. Not something I've tried, but I've seen pictures of good results. Not for sweets, usuall

Looks like an the mother of all portable chargers, cooks like a charm. You need an air fryer in your life. The original black Phillips one, please. Anything else wouldn't match you kitchen. No, really.

A good urhur.

I just had a good, cathartic cry, watching one of the epic dance scenes from Happy New Year (that title, though), a Hindi movie. Just could not stop, the happiness was so palpable. Just... Wow. It's a great show on its own, too. 11/10 Been a long time since I really enjoyed myself like that. Cheers, India.

Netflix it naooooo.

WHAT IS RUFF?!

I think there will come a day when I can see a couple in love and showing it, without feeling some degree of melancholy. It'll be ok. I'll adopt an elderly chihuahua, and we'll both do the huahua tremble while giving each other the, "Can you believe this shit?" look.

Riiiicolaaaa~

Ants got into the Ricola jar. Didn't do much for the flavour, but my gods you could hear them yodelling for miles.

Going quite mad, doctor.

Fortuitously, I discovered today that I had quite been losing my mind. The detailed, vivid memories I had. Just simply untrue. Never happened. I am uncertain as to what to make of this. It is not good news. What does it bode, though? Sanity. What a scam.

Please let it be the chicken.

Gods my mum's a terrible cook. As tiny an appetite as I have, I'm already planning to eat something after dinner at her place later. Just to get the taste out of my mouth. Oh, um. Happy new year. Update: She made the chicken. All is well.

Sit leh.

The Reserved Seating thing on trains works, but really awkwardly. It's got to the stage where people chiong for anything BUT the reserved seats, then, when only those are left, would rather stand. They pretend those seats don't exist. You can see them instinctively twitch towards the empty reserveds, but then no, for shame... . 

"THERE IS NO SEAT THERE FOR YOU, ABLE-BODIED SCUM." Their internal dialogue is quite apparent. Srsly. If I'm in a seat that's not reserved, and an old, pregnant, injured lady wobbles up to me carrying another child, I still might offer her my seat. It's nice to have rules about some things, but when you have rules about being nice, that's very much a beatings will continue until morale improves kind of situation. And this Reserved Seating thing isn't even a rule. I suspect a lot think it is, though. Yes, I said I  might offer it.

Don't commit shop theft. Rolls off the tongue, hor?

Ok, look, the life-sized cardboard police dude with the catchy slogan, "Don't commit shop theft," can still excuse. Maybe effective. People with poor eyesight like me will think is real policeman. But there's just no forgiving the seventeen flavours of retard cringe they put in their video. Seriously, police PR all Down's or what. And then it turns out they well might be, because the government is an equal opportunity employer.

And of course I'm the asshole for cringing. There's just no winning. LET'S DANCERIZE THE CRIME AWAY. 

DON'T COMMIT AH.

Kang tao.

Bus 67, upon hitting the stop near us, goes on for at least another seventy stops. Seventy! That's more tees than one bus should take. Did the bus route planner have a deathly fear of incontinence? And, seventy stops later, it's still nowhere near its terminal, which is Choa Chu Kang. Choa Chu Kang. What a shithole. Of all the Kangs, fuck this one in particular.

Let me sleep long time, priest.

There is some irony in that the most adult thing I've come to do is to account for dawdle time. Five minute shower? Nooo, just short of fifteen. Generous estimate for poo poo time. And Jesus, I've come out to the balcony to smoke one... Well, three cigarettes... And that's half an hour. And now I'm late, and everything is shitty. Waking up at 5am to get from Bedok to Yew Tee at 8.30am seems so reasonable now. Never mind that wife was playing Overwatch and swearing at the screen till 1.30am. "Mr Lim, we've discovered why you can't see shit. It's because you don't sleep enough. You just need to catch up on a sleep debt of five years and you'll be right as rain. However right that tends to be. Ok thank you, $8,000 please." Some people are self-motivating. I'm self-depressing, aren't I?

Bling bling.

*GENEVA - A pear-shaped pink diamond sold for 18.127 million Swiss francs (S$25.7 million) on Tuesday to an Asian collector bidding by telephone at an auction marked by "healthy prices", Christie's said. The top lot at its semi-annual Geneva sale, the stone weighs 9.14 carats and is graded fancy vivid pink, the highest possible colour grading.* With my first girlfriend, I asked her repeatedly if she was sure she wanted to get together with me. Nothing wrong at all with her family's money. Mine, on the other hand. "I am poor. I don't know if I can look after you. Look, I only have one pair of shoes." She didn't mind and it was all very romantic at the time but later on she cheated on me with her intern. Not that important. I have a few more actual pairs of shoes now, but I'm not sure I'll ever be able to shake that feeling of only having one. We probably won't starve, but the expenses just keep climbing. And then you read that some asshole has bought a rock for some $26 million. Don't those things have no resale value? Or is it like Pokemon - no one wants your used Rattata, but put a Lapras up and people fall over themselves to offer you money. Well, McJinglepants can choke on his rock. I'm ok with one pair of shoes. They're comfortable, and these days, a pair of slippers often walks beside me.

Host you so hard. Why.

Tired of your polite guests turning down your offers of snacks and beverages? Try selling them to them. Host: "Some chips? A beer?"

Guest: "No, thanks, I..."

Host: "Only a dollar." Guest: "What?"

Host: "Chips are only a dollar. Beer is three dollars each. Come on man, times have been bad, the dog's been sick...these are reasonable prices. Help a brother out man."

Guest: "O..k. One beer. And chips, I suppose."

Host: "Oh, nooow maybe you want the chips too. Fine. Sit. Asshole."

Enforced refreshments. And you get to recoup what you spent on groceries. What's there to lose except maybe friends?

...but don't sell water lah. That one really too cheebye.

Chill only.

Being an adult means being able to make decisions of extravagance. Like leaving the fridge door open while you fill the water jug so it's more convenient. Also, because utilities included. Next time our place ah, the fridge door - five second rule.

Trees! Everywhere! Be proud!

How to plant a tree, grassroots version: - Take solo, group and family pictures holding the spade and watering can. - Chop the soil that had been piled up around the tree for a minute. Empty watering can into what is already mud. -Take more pictures of yourselves. Why not. You just planted a whole tree. You should be proud. If you follow these instructions, ten minutes later, a Bangala will sprout from the soil and actually plant the tree properly.

409 is where it's at.

Formula 409 is an amazing cleaner, even better than Kao MagiClean. No residue. It is also, strangely, only available in atas supermarkets. Can't make the trip? Here's your shitty Clorox Cleansnothing. Now, they seem to know they have good stuff on their hands. They've had the Glass cleaning version for a while now, and now there's the stone and wood version.

I wanted two of the usual, general purpose stuff. Wife wanted one and one Glass. I don't understand.

1. We don't have very much cleanable glass. It's practically down to the one pane in the bathroom. We have many General Surfaces in the house. Just look at all these damned fine Generals.

2. I'm the one who does the bulk of the cleaning. It's like her going to buy pads and me saying she should use something different.

3. General can clean glass for sure. In the Venn diagram of surfaces... Nevermind. Can glass cleaner clean general? Not sure. Maybe. Do you really want to feel retarded each time you spray the glass cleaner on wood. On stone. On marble, formica or dog?

I think that's probably how I'm going to have to use up the glass cleaner. A daily spray and wipe down of the dogs.

Have at thee!

Can vulgarities only be hurled? If you said, in a calm and measured manner, "EH, fuck you, your family, your dog and anything to do with you." Surely that's not hurling it. Relevant because some guy just got fined $4k for hurling vulgarities at a policeman. Fucking police. Other than the glamour ops, they don't give a shit about you.

I'm so hot you know.

Last night, we met the entitled white girl stereotype. The trouble was, no one was trying to fuck her, so it wasn't easy for her to get attention. Apparently she's real sweet when sober, and doesn't do things like drag furniture middle of the night for no reason, or dropping ice cream and not cleaning it up. Best has to be how she went over to Alex's, trashed the place. Opened all his beers, taking a few sips from each. Makes me think I don't have a drinking problem in comparison.

Ah, when I laughed.

"I threw away one egg because it had a crack in it. It's like a really strong cockroacb went up to it and punched it, bowed, and then left." She then proceeded to demonstrate this several times. It was adorable. "Must bow one."

Cough your mother.

People must realize that all you need to do to stop breathing a smelly smell is hold your breath. And hopefully, you're not near the smell for too long. Like, say, walking past a man who's smoking. Seriously. Spare me the theatrics. Wave hand lah, squint eye lah, fake cough lah. If you were made to stand in front of said smoking man, cannot move or hamster die, then fine, flap and squawk away like poultry. But really, hold your breath and walk past. Well, if we're going in opposite directions. I walk faster than most people, so there's no getting past me. The irony. Speedy smoker, signing off.

Disinhibiting.

While smoking on the balcony, wife just opened the door, turned around, farted, and closed the door. I'm so proud.

Growing as a person.

I swear my finger- and toenails are growing faster. Never had to cut them so often last time. Wife was all eh, time passes faster. No, they're growing faster. And the nails themselves have little discernible purpose on a guy, unless one does the Ah Beng leave last one long to dig ear thing. Which is surprisingly effective, mind. Be nice if my body could put the resources to something useful. Restored vision would be nice. Or a bit more cock. Just ease up on the nails, all right? We good on those.

Mine lah.

The wife tried repeatedly to yank the blanket off me last night, when I was only holding on to my rightful half of it. Her attempts were foiled by preemptive kiappage. She just woke up. Only snoozed her alarm twice today instead of the usual 17. Siol.

You call each other what, now?

I suspect we'll never call each other Ah Mew and Mehmeh in public. Well, possibly when very old, like, have to strap balls to belt kind of old Because really, when you start the day strapping your balls to your belt, you really don't give a fuck.